"I can't imagine"

Poised with a flat back against the silky cape that drapes a black leather chair, and a downward-titled chin, you divulge your life’s greatest secrets to a woman with menacingly sharp scissors, whose name only floods your mind when your gray hairs start to infiltrate the crown of your head, as hair trimmings get caught in the corner of your mouth and tickle the back of your neck.

It appears to be a universally accepted concept that hairdressers, above everyone else, are the most supportive, encouraging humans that inhabit this planet.

They know everything about us.

I’ve rehearsed hard conversations trying not to shiver as silver blades raised goosebumps across the back of my neck. I’ve asked for life advice as long fingernails massaged tiny circles into my scalp. I’ve even let her exclamations bear the final say in hard decisions as she ran hot air over my sopping-wet ends.

But one day as I walked into the room that smelt of bubbles and hair dryers I noticed that something had snatched her smile away. Her shoulders hug heavily and the air that filled the space between her body and the salon around her was no longer sparkly and light.

We switched roles that day - I put my therapy hat on with my leather-bound journal sitting anticipatorily on my lap while she snuggled up into the corner of the ottoman with a nametag that said PATIENT in red bold letters.

She softly told me the horrors of the immigration and visa process. Her husband and his family were immigrants from Mexico who were fighting like thousands of others to call the land striped in red and white their home. With thousands and thousands of dollars filling the pockets of immigration lawyers, they were losing hope at securing his green card as time kept slipping through the cracks. In between writing checks and urgent phone calls, a pregnancy test came back positive. His family was facing deportation, her mornings were spent with her face resting on cool white porcelain, and their lives were a litigation nightmare.

and to all of this, I responded the worst thing I could have possibly said:

“I can’t even imagine.”

I’ve said these words countless times before but as I whispered them once more to my broken-spirited hairdresser, I felt a pang in my heart and a shift in my mind. I realized that canned response, which is often spoken out of respect and tenderness, has an impact that does not match its intent.

By speaking the words, “I can’t imagine”, I place an impenetrable barrier between myself and my companion. The intent is positive, it strives to say “Wow, what you are going through sounds so hard”, but what it really says is “Wow, what you are going through sounds so awful, but I am choosing not to empathize with you.”

This essay is not an argument of semantics it is an argument of imagination - it is an argument that advocates for empathy as the primary ingredient for an enriched life.

For all 25 of the years I have spent here on earth, I believed that empathy is a soft skill. I believed that in a healthy population of adults, some people naturally held more capacity for empathy than others.

About a week ago, I had my mind blown - I learned that empathy is a hard science, which changed my perspective on myself and the world around me.

So empathy is a hard science. What exactly does that mean?

The idea that empathy is a “hard science” is a recent development (since 2004) that indicates, like math or physics, that it is based on empirical evidence that is both objective and quantitative. Empathy research focuses most heavily on neurobiological and physiological mechanisms that can be observed through functional magnetic resonance imaging and electroencephalography.

• Neurobiological: the study of the nervous system and how the brain works

• Physiological: relating to the way in which the bodies of living things work

• fMRI: measures the small changes in blood flow that occur with brain activity

• EEG: the measurement of electrical activity in different parts of the brain

Through this research, a key discovery involved identifying the regions of the brain that are involved in social cognition and emotional processing. This part of the brain is now deemed the “empathy circuit” and it helps us to understand and respond to the emotions of others by uncoding language, bodily sensations, conflict, and so on.

Okay, I think I am following. So you’re telling me that empathy can be observed through brain mapping and measuring other bodily functions, but why does this matter?

Great question!

Empathy as a hard science makes it clear that like most other neurobiological functions, the function of empathy can be strengthened or weakened depending on how often those parts of the brain are exercised. This science is telling us that more empathetic people actually have different brains (seriously so cool) but it isn’t because they’re particularly special, it is because they practice exhibiting empathy more than their counterparts.

So how do I do it? How do I train myself to become more empathetic?

Another great question! Before I answer it, I think it is important to know what true empathy looks and feels like internally for the brain and the body and externally to others.

When an individual empathizes, a three-step process takes place. For instance, if I were to have truly empathized with my hairdresser, I would first have made an attempt to understand her experiences and emotions, my brain would then take these queues to generate both an internal and external emotional reaction throughout my body, my nervous system, and my face, and finally my brain will represent this state internally. The brain must produce an emotional reaction but then also represent how the body responded.

Becoming an empath seems complicated and daunting because it is rarely presented with a framework that can be built upon. The journey to a more empathic life that I advocate for has boundaries and is in pursuit of forming good habits and breaking bad ones over time. Here are a few atomic habits that help to exercise the empathy circuit of the brain:

1. Practice imaging other’s circumstances

   • Some jerk in a Dodge Charger cut you off on the highway. Some lady gave you a dirty look at the grocery store. Your partner has been easily frustrated. It is easy in these moments to respond back with disdain and chalk up their behavior to being inconsiderate, selfish, or rude.

   • Instead, take a step back and play a little game of imagination. Imagine a circumstance that could have pushed them to behave the way they did. For example, maybe the guy in the Charger was speeding to the hospital where his wife was just admitted. Cutting someone off in traffic is dangerous but perhaps this image makes you a bit more understanding of him. Your mind is open to the possibility of him being in a vulnerable and distracted state and the stress flees your body leaving you in a regulated state open to connection.

2. Sit in discomfort and ask questions

   • Sometimes taking on other people’s emotions can be tiring and life seems easier passing those opportunities by, but what we pass up is an opportunity to foster deep connection and belonging.

   • Instead of saying “I can’t imagine” to someone else’s pain hoping to find comfort in ending the conversation, allow yourself to stew in discomfort and ask that person to tell you more about how they’re feeling or how their experiences have impacted them. Seek genuine understanding and allow your body to reflect this emotional state without fleeing from it.

3. Ask for feedback

   • Demonstrating empathy is not only accomplished through words, it is worn - people wear empathy in their eyes, on their faces, and on their bodies.

   • Ask your loved ones and your friends to give you honest feedback on how well you’ve shown up at empathizing. For example, you might succeed in cognitive empathy - the ability to know what is on someone’s mind at any given moment - but struggle with emotional empathy. Asking for this type of feedback reinforces positive feedback loops and increases the emotional vulnerability needed to become more emphatic.

If there is one invisible force that connects humanity across borders and differences it is empathy. Without an understanding of our shared human experience, life would be drained of connection, intimacy, kinship, and shared experience. If you’re still wondering what more empathy can bring to your life, the answer is enrichment and it all starts with a little bit of imagination. 

I would love your feedback - the good, the bad, & the ugly - and if you’re interested in a multi-part series on empathy let me know!

Your support of my work means so much; thank you for being here and for reading.