I Hate Feedback

This essay is dedicated to Phil and all the perfectionists that roam the planet - may you find perfection from within, may you seek excellence, and may you be the true fan you are searching for.

When I first sat behind a computer screen to look at who would soon become my boss, I had no idea she was going to become the most incredible manager I had yet known. I would come to learn her as the friendly smile behind glasses who would say, “let me know how I can support you” at the end of every call and genuinely meant it. She was revered, she was magnanimous, and she always led with her values. Long past her departure from the company, her name is still held with a respect that feels precious. Her name is Melissa.

During my first quarterly review, she was probing me on how she could better manage me. What I said in response blew my socks off, put them back on, and then blew them off again.

I said, “I really love consistent feedback, I’d love it if we could incorporate that more often than quarterly.”

The words materialized out of thin air like a white dove out of a puff of smoke. I was flabbergasted. I hate feedback. What was I thinking?

Feedback has always been a tough pill for me to swallow, an apple-sized pill without a glass of water. I hate it so much I’ve actively played a game of hide-and-seek with it my entire life and when it would finally spot me hiding in a small cramped space, I would build a wall of defense so high it couldn’t come close to me. “I think you’re looking at this from the wrong angle, if you would just come to the position I am sitting in, then I think your perception would change” I would say, desperately. I am terrified of my work which is the byproduct of my heart having holes poked through it - I am terrified of not being good enough - and over the course of this lifelong game of hide-and-seek, I stepped into the tiger trap of perfectionism.

Like all perfectionists, my performance standards were pie-in-the-sky unattainable and enough was never enough. I did not stop and smell the roses of accomplishment because I was too busy driving to the next field. Any accomplishment at all felt unworthy of sharing or celebrating because it was going to be nothing in comparison to my next achievement. Or so I told myself.

There is so much more to the topic of perfectionism than I originally thought - it runs much deeper than unrealistically high standards and an unsatiable quest for more.

Until the late 1970’s it was believed that perfectionism was a one-dimensional trait until the idea of the duality of perfectionism was proposed. Since then, it has been generally accepted that depending on its orientation, perfectionism can be normal or neurotic - a positive or a negative agent in personality development. On one end of the spectrum, you have a form of perfectionism that is pathological, a threat to psychological well-being, and a leading variable of depression, stress, and poor coping mechanisms. On the other end of the spectrum, you have a form of perfectionism that is a tool for personal growth and achievement.

Across the research, one thing is clear: perfectionism is formed in early childhood as a child develops self-concept, attachment to caregivers, and a relationship with themselves and others. For children, this may look like a social disconnect, a lack of belonging, or interpersonal over-sensitivity. For adults, this lingering disconnect looks like a discrepancy between their current self and their ideal self which impacts a wide variety of dimensions such as personal standards, concern over mistakes, organization, and doubts over action. These dimensions are the roots of perfectionism but the flowers or thorns that grow from them can disguise perfectionistic personality traits rather well.

For me, the roots of my perfectionism are interpersonal oversensitivity - in the development of my self-concept, my worth was reflective of my current achievement. What grows out of the earth from these roots are pesky weeds that constantly lead me to believe that others’ capacity to love me is contingent on how well I am performing. If being loved means constant achievement, it is no wonder that every time perfectionism rings my doorbell I keep welcoming her inside.

Given the dual nature of perfectionism, I don’t think we ought to focus on entirely ridding ourselves of a perfectionistic nature - the goal should be developing predominantly normal tendencies as opposed to their neurotic counterpart, but even this is difficult. Year over year, maladaptive perfectionism is becoming more prevalent, and while not the only factor, social media is a tremendous propagator where perfectionistic self-representation - the display of only your highest achieving and most attractive self - is the pinnacle of what we consume.

So what can we do to bring the normative side of the seesaw back down to the earth shifting neurotic perfectionism further away from our core?

Choose the judges best for you

• You will encounter two kinds of judges: critics and true fans with the frequency of the former far outweighing the latter. Critics see your pitfalls and will motivate you to hyperfocus on them, true fans will see your superpowers and motivate you to build your personal monopoly. It is easier to listen to the critics, especially when they take the shape of the masses - the internet, the education system you’re in, your passersby - but they will, without ceasing, find your next flaw.

• Find the voices that will fight alongside you to close the gap between your current self and your best self. Find your Melissa.

Focus on improving one thing at a time

• If your perfectionistic tendencies trend toward neuroticism, it is likely that perfectionism is present across most corners of your life - you want to be in better shape, you want to excel in your career, you want to be a better writer, a better speaker, a better partner, a better this, a better that, better at everything - and it paralyzes you through burnout and mental exhaustion.

• Try picking just one thing and focus on it for 30 days. Not only will this create space for positivity where there was previously self-criticism, but it will also force you to choose what is of the highest order to your personal growth. Suddenly your progress will be more visible when it isn’t hopelessly washed away by all the other changing tides of your mind.

Build up resilience and tolerance to discomfort

• If your perfectionism looks anything like mine, hating feedback will resonate. The irony in avoiding feedback is that you are cutting off access to the lifeline of the very thing you desire. In order to achieve betterment, one must be welcoming of feedback and of course, failure. Something in my gut told me that day that I needed to start asking for feedback otherwise I would run from it for the rest of my life.

• Have your socks blown off, put back on, and blown off again when you realize there is comfort in asking for feedback. Be discerning of the feedback you internalize and of whom you ask for support. Dismiss the critics and mind the true fans. Welcome adversity into your life in digestible doses and grow into the person that is loved for who they are, not what they do.

Values first

• I want you to think about the most hurtful thing someone can say about you. For me, it would shake my entire world if someone thought I was uncaring or unkind. This tells me the one thing I care most about my self-representation. While some may argue that we shouldn’t care about how we are perceived, I can only agree up to 95% of the way - with that remaining 5% I choose to care about the way I show up in this world that is most important to me. In choosing to care about my most treasured values, I know the one thing that matters above all else in my personal growth journey.

• Identify the one aspect of your existence to you that matters above all else and lead your life working to improve upon that area every day before you focus elsewhere.

Strive for excellence instead of perfection and create a reciprocal environment in which you will thrive by identifying your true fans and becoming a true fan for yourself and others. None of these are “life hacks” - find patience, give yourself grace, and celebrate the small wins.